I think most of us over-focus on our flaws, at one time or another. We all have things we want to change about ourselves; I’m working on things I can change & reminding myself that people don’t even notice most of what I find wrong, but there’s one thing I absolutely hate. It’s something I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember…..
I am painfully shy. Always have been. I remember going back to school each Fall was like starting at a new school. I had a close-knit group of friends that I was comfortable with, but the thought of new classes, new teachers, & new seating arrangements caused panic attacks. Given a little time to get used to everything & warm up, I’m fine; outgoing even. It was the same way at college. I didn’t think I would make it through that first night after moving in and if my cousin hadn’t called to check up on me, I don’t know if I would have. Since I didn’t have my cable hooked up yet, she told me to go down to the lobby of my dorm and watch Martin. That was a guaranteed way to find some black folks. We were NOT going to miss Martin, Gina, & the gang act like fools. Sure enough gathered around the TV were some of the people who would become my closest friends while I was there. I even met the chick that would ultimately become my roommate.
I’ve been called cold, standoffish and stuck up because I don’t just come up and start a conversation with someone. There are times when I’ve overcome my shyness but those are few and far between. Even now, with the anonymity of the internet, I can’t shake that feeling. It’s why I suck at Twitter, rarely comment on the blogs I visit (with the exception of one) and why I haven’t been sucked into the Facebook black hole. Signing up for something where you have to ask someone to “friend” you? Hitting me in the face with a cast iron skillet would be less painful. Seriously.
What’s funny is Beana doesn’t have a shy bone in her body. I find myself envious when I watch my 10-year-old throwing herself into just about any situation overflowing with enthusiasm & courage. What’s even funnier is that at 35 years old, I wish I was just like her.