Relief

I feel like I’m floating in a large body of water that comes right below my bottom lip. I can still breath; I don’t feel that I’m in danger but (hmm there’s always a but isn’t there) I know I’m not happy. I know this is not how I want to live my life. Some days finances, marriage, & motherhood make me feel trapped. I’m tired of treading water just to stay afloat. The feelings of being a bad wife & mother overwhelm me. All I want is some relief. Preferably long lasting relief. I recently commented here.

“Usually I’m a lurker, but I had to delurk to tell you this post & that video is amazing. I can see how someone could get taken in by these sub prime mortgages. For 8 years I have dreamed of owning my own home. The dude I married & I could have been one of the people trapped in this foreclosure mess. We were tempted, so tempted, to just go for it but I was terrified thinking about what could happen if we couldn’t’t afford to pay the mortgage. So we stayed in our apartment & watched people we know achieving our dream. So while I feel less sympathy for those buying way outside their means, I can understand how someone like me just wanted something (reasonable)of their own. I also need to thank you for this reminder that although we are struggling right now just to pay the bills. That even though we’ve got utilities that are disconnected until we can afford to get them back on we are still better off the some. That even though the dude works 2 jobs despite back pain so bad that some days he can’t even stand up straight and his leg will go numb we are still better off then some. That even though I’m working as many hours as I can and still be there to help with homework in the evenings, we’re still better off than some. That even though we have medical insurance (that we really can’t afford)through my job, I still have to decided if whether or not we really need to go to the doctor because of the $5,000 deductible, we have it better than some. The fact the I can still see hope on the horizon in someone who gets it, who understands that a middle class doesn’t have a million dollars and that a $5,000 tax credit (which will cause my insurance to be taxed) will not help me keep my insurance & still be able to pay my bills. So thank you for reminding me that hope & change is possible. Sorry this is so long, but your post really struck a cord with me.”

Even when I’m not focusing on the daily bullshit, its still like an invisible weight on my chest. Now more then ever I find myself being a worrier, trying to figure out how we’re going to rob this Peter to pay this Paul. I also find myself feeling guilty for not having extra money to do fun things like taking Beana to the pumpkin patch or to see Hi.gh Scho.ol Mu.sical III (although if there was anything positive about being broke, it’s that. God, how I dislike those Dis.ney spawns). Luckily for me, she’s a bright kid that understands that even though we can’t always do things right away we will get to eventually.

Anyhooo, while I start learning to live in the now and let go of the guilt, please enjoy this video.

I think I’ll sit here and watch this video until my mood gets better.

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